Birth philosophy...

I hope that Sage Femme doesn't mind me posting this (if you do let me know and I will pull it). But, I felt like her feelings are spoken very well and are my thoughts almost exactly:

"I'm still not where I want to be in terms of how I practice (I think I'm leaning more towards eventually wanting to be a resource for couples planning unassisted births vs really attending births), but the awareness is there and that's what spurs me on.
you know, during my apprenticeship I was all about using midwifery as a way to fill my needs - mainly those fears of feeling unimportant and not valuable. this was not good - it led to a multitude of actions that took part in "saving" women and babies and wanting to be the one that they were indebted to for their good birth.I realized, a couple years after being in my own practice, that this was not serving me or my clients well. I had to get those things I needed from within, not from anyone else. I was acting in a very codependent and passive-aggressive way.I have to admit that sometimes I feel like I'm alone and it's very isolating. When I attend peer review, I hear some stories that just sound really horrific to me - and I feel for the people who are doing this work with so much anxiety. When I hear scary stories of dramatic emergencies with birth, I remind myself that I am not inviting that into my life. I don't need those situations to humble myself to birth. I also don't kid myself that I'm open to whatever God/universe brings to me. I feel very divinely protected at births.(It also helps a great deal that I've had two incredible apprentices whose belief system is close to my own. While they may believe some things differently, the fundamentals are there - and that is very important to me! They've taught me a great deal about really examining why we do what we do.)I've had a midwife in my community once tell me that the reason I am the way I am is because I haven't had anything "scary" happen yet. I don't know what she means - maybe a baby dying? I've certainly had my share of emergencies...she tells me that once I get "that", I will be more conservative.In other words, being the youngest midwife in the community means I'm a bit naive. I question everything I do that is different from my peers. I question it alot - I start to feel like maybe I'm not doing it right and I should re-evaluate why I'm doing it. Then, I look at it again and realize that I'm practicing the way I want to and my clients want me to.I've had a couple clients admit after their birth, almost disappointed, that they didn't know I was going to be that hands-off. But, both those couples hired me again for subsequent births. I think it helped me see that I need to be really clear about clients asking for what they need - that I'm not going to try and second guess everyone's needs and if they want more, they can ask for it and I will gladly be there and do it. I talk more about my philosophy and what I usually do at births (sit in the other room, etc) so clients aren't surprised - and they know that I'm there at their service, but I'm not going to take over.I've had my share of things I've done for clients that are not too hands-off. I've released membranes to start labor, I've done numerous vaginal exams during labor, etc. I think the difference is that these actions are not part of my standard of care - they are talked about and have a purpose. Many times, the interventions are something that are desired by the mother. "

These are all thoughts that I have struggled with, for example, why midwives are even really needed at all. But, I think I have come to the conclusion that many women feel they need the assurance of someone available in case a situation were to arrise-- not everyone is ready for the leap into unassisted birth. I can try to make it as unassited as possible.

It absolutely drives me crazy when ego is involved in anything, especially birth. And its so common, probably the number one reason people get involved in midwivery, obstetrics, or healthcare in general. I remember having a session with a very wise and intuitive woman about my goals in life and that I just couldn't find my path and it was so hard for me. I told her that I want to help people which at the time I thought was a very noble cause. She didn't agree and she warned me against getting involved in anything with that in mind. Its not my job to help anyone, if I respect people then I know that they can help themselves. She reminded to choose a career for myself, that I would enjoy and not for anyone else. Getting ego out of the way is a continual process and something that I'm sure I will be working on throughout my life.

I almost decided to not be a CNM for this exact reason. The first hospital birth I attended (after quite a few beautiful homebirths with a amazing midwife) shook me to my core. I noticed the OB and nurses walked around with an energy about them like they thought they were Gods. I could tell that they thought this young woman wouldn't have had a baby without them, they had such looks of pride-- they were beaming, but not in the right way-- not for the mother, but for themselves...

I explored the CPM route. I talked with a few midwives that had taken different paths, but I still felt that underlying ego and competitiveness. Thats when I decided it really doesn't matter what path you take, but who you are and what your intentions are.

I know that I will talk about this again and I could contemplate it forever. The wise CNM that I first worked with never accepted a Thank You after a birth, she always said "don't thank me, I didn't do anything, you birthed your baby beautifully..." and thats basically my feelings exactly.